Wow. Life's funny, huh? I used to love to come to this space and just write my worries and cares away. It was so therapeutic for me to write. I have sort of given that up over the last couple of years, sadly. But I need it today. I need a space to just write and let out everything that I've been carrying around for the last several weeks and months. Nobody comes here anymore, so I can just be free with my thoughts and feelings.
Life has been tricky for the last year and a half or so. That is about the time we moved into our new home. We felt so inspired to move into this house. It felt like ours the minute I walked in. However, I also feel like our life has been in constant, non-stop chaos as well, ever since then. Don't get me wrong. I usually thrive on chaos. I don't shy away from it, don't particularly mind it, usually. But when it feels like there is never a break, and no end in sight? That's when I crumble.
We started a reno on this house that I stupidly thought would take about 3 months to complete. My saint of a father did it for free (just cost of supplies) and I feel like I am indefinitely indebted to him. He truly is the best of the best. However, it took way more time and money than I ever thought it would and even now it is only half finished. My dad basically said he was done after completing the new bathroom, family room/rec area, and bedroom. And I do not blame him one iota. I completely understand. My dad is not as young as he used to be, and he has his own life and work to do. He spent so much time and energy on it, and I am so thankful to him.
But we still need our bedroom/bathroom/laundry room to be complete and it is going to cost lots of time and money that I just don't have sitting around. It is a constant stressor to me that we have no storage and that I feel like my house is ugly because we STILL haven't even completely unpacked after 17 months of living here. I haven't decorated, I haven't hung anything on the walls, it just doesn't feel like "home", even still. I hate the yard, and the way the home looks on the outside. I had so many grand plans for this home, and I can completely picture it in my mind, but nothing ever changes.
And then I got pregnant. It was a shock, quite honestly. In fact, even now at 34 weeks along, it is completely crazy to me that we will have a newborn here in just under 6 weeks. I don't even know where we are going to put this baby. This home is tiny. We are bursting at the seams as it is. Andy's job takes him out of town almost every week. I work full time. We are barely keeping our heads above water with our other kids and everything going on. On top of that, this pregnancy has been just plain rough. I am exhausted, sick, tired, and everything in between. I have ignored everything for so long that I look around at the state of my home and disgust myself. And at the same time, I could not care less. It is a bizarre conundrum.
I have people that keep offering to give me used baby stuff and I want to scream that I have nowhere to put it. At the same time, I keep putting off buying anything baby related because I am in denial that I will actually have another human to care for. I know I love this baby, but I also know what a baby entails. I have been out of that stage for so long that I am slightly terrified of what is to come. I also am not going to be able to quit my job. I have never left a baby. I have always been a stay at home mom. And then on top of those feelings, I am just so overwhelmed with preparing for this baby and trying to get all the things I need that I just avoid it and still have nothing. Not eve a car seat!
To keep myself sane, I have used this avoidance tactic for the last several months. But every once in awhile, like today, everything completely overwhelms me to the point of parallelization. I only have 5.5 weeks left! We have no time! We have no stuff! We have 5 other kids and a house and jobs and a dog and callings and laundry and to-do lists and soccer games and drill practice and piano lessons and millions of other things that I just don't even know. Life is weird. It used to be so simple. And I had no idea and didn't even appreciate it. I want to go back in time and slap myself and say, "enjoy this easy life you live, you idiot! Don't complain about the small stuff. Be grateful. Be happy. Serve more, because there will come a day when thinking of serving anyone but your family is too overwhelming."
I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. But it's nice to get it off my chest. As I speak, this little one in my belly is kick-kick-kicking away and I know it will be so very loved. the kids are so excited and cannot wait to get their hands on it. And what more does a baby need most than love?
Absolutely nothing.
