Thursday, April 23, 2015

Just Stuff

Um, hi. Yeah, that's me with dark plum lipstick on, goofing around at work while my client processes. I didn't know what kind of photo to add to this post, so there's one of me being a weirdo ;)

So, wow. It has been awhile. No matter my intentions, I always get behind on this thing. There have been SO many times that I have just wanted to write, to get my feelings out, to get stuff off my chest. But I always feel like my blog needs to be perfectly caught up in order to do that. I don't know why. I am a weirdo, as mentioned above.

I actually tried to blog about our Disneyland trip, but I made a video of all the photos and it wouldn't upload, so I got frustrated and that was that. I haven't logged in since, for the last month or so. Anyway, I just really, really wanted to write tonight. So here I am.

I saw a therapist today. I don't even really know what he is, exactly. A psychologist? A psychiatrist? I don't know. So, for lack of knowledge, I'll just call him my therapist. I have had several people recommend I see one now, just due to the fact that I am under an immense amount of stress and I haven't really been myself lately. I mean, most of the time I am. But there are moments where I feel so bogged down and burdened and stressed to the max that I have these episodes where I rage over the stupidest things. It's like that straw that just broke the camel's back. Plus, the anxiety has been the worst. I never used to feel anxious ever. And I didn't understand people who did. Well, now I do. Completely.

I kind of just unloaded on this poor guy. And he was so nice and understanding, just listened and nodded and gave me encouraging smiles. After I paused to take a breath he said to me, "I can hardly believe you are functioning right now with all that you have had happen over the last few years. I was thinking of giving you a stress test to see where you level of stress is, just due to the sheer amount of stressers you have in your life. But I am not going to now because just adding them up in my head, I would rate you around a level 400. The highest level of stress on the test is a 200."

I was a little shocked. I mean, of course I know I have a lot going on. Of course I know that our life is a bit crazy right now. But I have never felt that stressed out. Just busy. Like any mom of 5 kids that goes to school and works 2 jobs and has a husband with depression and a child with cancer and, and, and...

I mean, really? This is my life?! I kind of laughed and said that to him..., "Yeah, that's what I think. Life really isn't fair sometimes, huh?"

We talked a bit longer and I made an appt to see him again when my time was up. The thing I got out of it today was that I can choose my attitude despite my circumstances. I mean, I really, really try to be happy most days. But lately, that has been less and less. I have just kind of been on auto-pilot and going through the motions because that is what I am supposed to do and I am literally just trying to get everything done in the day that I need to. But I haven't really had any true joy on a daily basis. I don't want to sound like my life is devoid of happiness, because it's most definitely not. I have moments where I am completely happy. It's just that overall, I am not feeling happiness. I feel beaten down. Is that how I am supposed to feel? Or is that what it feels like to be humble?!

I really don't want to compare myself to an amazing and inspiring prophet, but I am going to anyway. Even as a child, I could never fully comprehend the fact that Job never blamed God or complained to Him when his life was turned upside down. When he literally lost everything, he didn't utter a word of complaint. Well, I kind of feel like Job... minus the fact that I don't complain. I do complain. A lot. And I haven't lost everything, but sometimes I just feel like life is so incredibly unfair and I have a hard time understanding why so many good people have such a hard and challenging life. And why other good people have amazingly blessed lives. And I am under no disillusion that those people don't have trials. I am sure they do. But I would have to say that some people's trials are far above and beyond some other's. 

I don't really know what I am rambling on about here. I guess I have just had a rough go of it since Magnus was diagnosed with cancer. I mean, I used to always say to myself, "Yes, we have a difficult life right now, but at least none of us has cancer." And now.... seriously?! What do I say now??

I am just feeling sorry for myself. That's all. I know it will get better. It just has to. But right now, I am feeling sorry for myself.

On another note, I am going to be making this blog private. I know that nobody really reads blogs anymore. I don't. I still love writing on mine. But it has become more personal to me and I want to be able to share my feelings and parts of my life more freely. So under lock and key it goes. If anyone is still out there reading my blog, you can either leave a comment here or shoot me an email and I will add you to the list. Thanks.

And seriously, if you made it through that mess of a blog post, congratulations. You have earned a cookie. Go eat one ;)