Thursday, April 23, 2015

Just Stuff

Um, hi. Yeah, that's me with dark plum lipstick on, goofing around at work while my client processes. I didn't know what kind of photo to add to this post, so there's one of me being a weirdo ;)

So, wow. It has been awhile. No matter my intentions, I always get behind on this thing. There have been SO many times that I have just wanted to write, to get my feelings out, to get stuff off my chest. But I always feel like my blog needs to be perfectly caught up in order to do that. I don't know why. I am a weirdo, as mentioned above.

I actually tried to blog about our Disneyland trip, but I made a video of all the photos and it wouldn't upload, so I got frustrated and that was that. I haven't logged in since, for the last month or so. Anyway, I just really, really wanted to write tonight. So here I am.

I saw a therapist today. I don't even really know what he is, exactly. A psychologist? A psychiatrist? I don't know. So, for lack of knowledge, I'll just call him my therapist. I have had several people recommend I see one now, just due to the fact that I am under an immense amount of stress and I haven't really been myself lately. I mean, most of the time I am. But there are moments where I feel so bogged down and burdened and stressed to the max that I have these episodes where I rage over the stupidest things. It's like that straw that just broke the camel's back. Plus, the anxiety has been the worst. I never used to feel anxious ever. And I didn't understand people who did. Well, now I do. Completely.

I kind of just unloaded on this poor guy. And he was so nice and understanding, just listened and nodded and gave me encouraging smiles. After I paused to take a breath he said to me, "I can hardly believe you are functioning right now with all that you have had happen over the last few years. I was thinking of giving you a stress test to see where you level of stress is, just due to the sheer amount of stressers you have in your life. But I am not going to now because just adding them up in my head, I would rate you around a level 400. The highest level of stress on the test is a 200."

I was a little shocked. I mean, of course I know I have a lot going on. Of course I know that our life is a bit crazy right now. But I have never felt that stressed out. Just busy. Like any mom of 5 kids that goes to school and works 2 jobs and has a husband with depression and a child with cancer and, and, and...

I mean, really? This is my life?! I kind of laughed and said that to him..., "Yeah, that's what I think. Life really isn't fair sometimes, huh?"

We talked a bit longer and I made an appt to see him again when my time was up. The thing I got out of it today was that I can choose my attitude despite my circumstances. I mean, I really, really try to be happy most days. But lately, that has been less and less. I have just kind of been on auto-pilot and going through the motions because that is what I am supposed to do and I am literally just trying to get everything done in the day that I need to. But I haven't really had any true joy on a daily basis. I don't want to sound like my life is devoid of happiness, because it's most definitely not. I have moments where I am completely happy. It's just that overall, I am not feeling happiness. I feel beaten down. Is that how I am supposed to feel? Or is that what it feels like to be humble?!

I really don't want to compare myself to an amazing and inspiring prophet, but I am going to anyway. Even as a child, I could never fully comprehend the fact that Job never blamed God or complained to Him when his life was turned upside down. When he literally lost everything, he didn't utter a word of complaint. Well, I kind of feel like Job... minus the fact that I don't complain. I do complain. A lot. And I haven't lost everything, but sometimes I just feel like life is so incredibly unfair and I have a hard time understanding why so many good people have such a hard and challenging life. And why other good people have amazingly blessed lives. And I am under no disillusion that those people don't have trials. I am sure they do. But I would have to say that some people's trials are far above and beyond some other's. 

I don't really know what I am rambling on about here. I guess I have just had a rough go of it since Magnus was diagnosed with cancer. I mean, I used to always say to myself, "Yes, we have a difficult life right now, but at least none of us has cancer." And now.... seriously?! What do I say now??

I am just feeling sorry for myself. That's all. I know it will get better. It just has to. But right now, I am feeling sorry for myself.

On another note, I am going to be making this blog private. I know that nobody really reads blogs anymore. I don't. I still love writing on mine. But it has become more personal to me and I want to be able to share my feelings and parts of my life more freely. So under lock and key it goes. If anyone is still out there reading my blog, you can either leave a comment here or shoot me an email and I will add you to the list. Thanks.

And seriously, if you made it through that mess of a blog post, congratulations. You have earned a cookie. Go eat one ;)


Jake Spurlock said...

Hope this doesn't out me as a crazed stalker or anything, but I've enjoyed the posting, and hope that you can find some peace, comfort, and anything else that you might need.

Liz and Logan said...

I want an invite to read your blog! My e-mail address is So sorry you're going through so much right now. It's beyond impressive how well you handle everything! I know I certainly couldn't juggle everything you do. Lots of prayers coming your way. Xoxo.

Kim said...

I'm such a distant connection, but I am always inspired by your writing, and in awe of your beautiful family! I'd love an invite to your private blog. (And hopefully I won't be lazy about logging in to check it!)

Ryan and Erin said...

I read it! Invite me! My husband gave me some good advice a while back. He said it is important to recognize the difference between complaining and simply stating a fact. It is a fact that your child had cancer, it is not a complaint. It is a fact that your home life is very demanding. Give yourself a little more credit. Keep going. But don't do it alone. "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." You can do it with His help.

Lisa said...

No, don't make it private. I read it. I check my feedly every few weeks and love my Sarah updates. With the partial brain I have - how am I going to remember to check? You are going to make my life harder. You will have to read my blog still and leave me a comment every now and then or on facebook so that I will come visit you and read about your life happenings. We still need to go out to lunch or do a gno and catchup. Maybe not talk about brain cancer. haha!

Emily said...

Hi Sarah,
My name is Emily Anderson. We don't really know each other but I am Mary Bingham's daughter from the Taylorsville 9th ward. I stumbled across your blog several years ago and have been reading it ever since. I appreciate your humor and am encouraged by your attitude about life. If you don't feel comfortable giving me permission to read your private blog, I completely understand. If you do, my email is I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.


Bexyboo said...

I read every post. I am inspired by you. I love your strong sense of family and your faith. I pray for you. I would love to be included on your list, but since we have never met, I respect your need for privacy.

Brooke and Jason said...

Add me! I check in now and again. Hang in there. Life sure can be rough. Go kiss those sweet kids cheeks while they are asleep. That always helps me feel those sweet spirits.