Seriously, I do. And at the most random times too. I have been trying to figure out when I would have the time to let my thoughts spew out onto this blog of mine. It is such a good therapy for me. And it is way past the time I should be in bed, but I just felt like writing tonight. Also, seriously, when I write late at night, I sound like a whacko. You have been given fair warning.
I saw a commercial on TV tonight while I was folding laundry. It showed a little girl, about 4 or 5, being treated for cancer at Primary Children's. I burst into tears as I watched her go through treatments, watched her mom hold her and rock her while she slept, and watched her dad shave his head when she lost all her hair. I sat there and wept bitterly. Even thought those people are just actors, I know how that mom and dad would have felt if they had been experiencing all of it for real. I never in a million trillion years thought I would be the one with a kid that has cancer. But I do.
There is nothing that can ever prepare you for those words. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will make it go away or hurt less. There is nothing that gets you out of the "club". The club you never wanted to belong to, but you will forever have a lifelong membership in. The "My Kid Has or Had Cancer Club". Because even after all of the treatments are done, after your child has been deemed "cancer free", there is always that possibility. The possibility that it might come back someday.
I was talking to a dear friend tonight that I have never even met. We were chatting through messages on Facebook. Her child had the exact same kind of cancer that Magnus does. He just had his 5 year scan and is still cancer free. But we were discussing how the fear will never quite go away. I was telling her that I am a pessimist. I always have been, to varying degrees. I feel like I have lived my life with a pessimistic attitude so I can protect myself. I don't ever want to have the blow come so hard that I can't recover. I told her that the worst was not knowing. And yet, she was inspired to give me some amazing advice. She told me it was better not to know because it would prevent me from getting on my knees through this trial and turning to Him. If we knew the outcome to every trial we ever faced, why would we need Him at all?
I feel at times as though Heavenly Father is so near to me that He might just be sitting right on the chair next to me. I truly cannot say enough how much my faith has grown from this experience, right at a time when I needed it the very most. Would I trade that for my son to have never had cancer? I honestly don't know, because that is an extremely hard question. It is a sweet thing to have the knowledge that I do. It is a very sweet thing indeed to absolutely know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father loves me so very much and is absolutely aware of me. It is amazing to know that my Savior has been through this with me. Nobody but He knows exactly how I am feeling. I truly believe that.
I also believe in temples and the spirit that is felt there and only there. I had a very personal and spiritual experience while I was in the temple just over a week ago. It spoke so surely to my heart that there is no way I can ever deny it. I know that my family is a forever family and that we will all be together after this short,blink-of-an-eye life.
I just wanted to get some thoughts down tonight about how this journey has changed me. It is far from over and I am happy to have so many amazing people along for the ride. It is hard for me to accept service (is it easy for anyone??) but our family has been so incredibly blessed by so many. I am so thankful for amazing, inspired people who come at a time that couldn't have been more perfectly planned. And I am thankful for the never-ending support. It is so very appreciated.
Thank you, thank you.
Magnus getting his nightly flushy-flush :)