Sunday, March 4, 2012

What a Day, What A Life

See this? This is a page in my daily planner. Yes, I am totally old school and still use the pen and paper way of keeping track of my day to day tasks, responsibilities and schedule. I cannot function without it. If I don't write it down, it is immedietly forgotten about (which is awkward when I'm at church or somewhere like that, and I didn't bring my planner, and someone makes an appointment with me, and then I forget to write it down when I get home, and then they come over on the day we agreed upon, and my house is a mess and I'm in my jammies and my kids are running around naked. Awkward!). Anyway, it has everything in it from my hair appts, my meetings, my kids activites, my husband's meetings, family member's birthdays, grocery lists, things I need to accomplish, and events that happened that day that I would like to remember (ie. when Magnus started walking, I wrote it on that day in my planner. I keep all of my planners and I probably have about 8 years worth. Someday I will transfer all of that info into my children's baby books that I have slacked on for the past 5+ years. Sheesh!)

Andy likes to tease me that I could just use my phone to keep my schedule, but this is the one thing I refuse to use my phone for. I like to have it all out in front of me and be able to see the week ahead. I go through it every Sunday and kind of mentally prepare myself for the week and get ready for the craziness that will ensue. As you can see, some days are very very very busy. Very. (say very like, 20 times in a row. It starts to sound very weird. Tee hee). The photo above was from a Saturday a few weeks ago. So much craziness. Luckily, not every Saturday is like that. Some Saturdays are empty. Those rare days are my favorite.

Lately though, my life has mostly been filled with days like that Saturday. I have felt stretched very thin lately (wouldn't it be nice if that were literal?!). I have felt overwhelmed, but I'm not precisely sure.... why? I feel like I'm keeping up with life, but just barely. I feel like one of these days, I'm going to drop everything and not be able to keep up anymore.

I don't really know why I have been feeling this way. Nothing has changed, my life has been the same. I just feel like I am pulled in so many directions and I feel the stress of not measuring up the way I think I should. I feel like I am not giving my best self to everyone and everything and I am unsatisfied with my performance in many aspects of my life. I know I am too hard on myself, and if I don't do something perfectly, I beat myself up over it for days. How does everyone do it all?

That's a silly question. Nobody does it all. People may appear to, but it's impossible to actually do it all. Someone may be able to keep it up for a short while, but eventually, something will fall. That's the problem I feel I've been facing lately. How do I make myself feel okay about not being able to do it all?

I used to. I really think I used to feel okay about not being able to do it all. I didn't beat myself up about it, I accepted what I could do, and that was enough. I'm not sure what has changed in my life. It may have started around the time I had Magnus. Five kids has kicked my bum. I think my kids getting older has something to do with it too. They all want to be involved and do extra-curricular activites, and I want to be a supportive mom, so I let them. And then my wants and needs fall by the way-side as I am consumed by my children's lives. I don't feel like this is neccessarily a bad thing, I just think I need to have a better balance. I am in the season of life where my children are my life. And I love that. I adore them. I think I just need a break sometimes, and I don't always take one. Which means, I'm tired. Like, really really tired.

I don't want this post to sound like I'm complaining. It's just talk. It feels good to let it all out, write it all down, and be able to look back later in life and think, "I made it through that bump in the road, and I (hopefully) am a better person because of it. And I learned a lot because of it too."

I love life. I try to embrace and accept things that come my way, even when it may be hard sometimes. A lot of friends have asked me recently if I'm okay or if they can help me in any way because I have seemed a little down. At first, I thought, "What am I doing wrong that people think I need help? Do I look sad? Do I seem overwhelmed? I don't want to seem that way! I need to be perfect!" And then I realized that was ridiculous and I actually accepted some help when it was offered. I realized it's okay. I am giving my fellow women a chance to serve and help, and in turn, I am having my burden's lightened. I appreciate it when people let me serve them, and I don't think any worse of them whatsoever when they need help. I really appreciate the ladies in my life who have noticed and helped out recently. If you read this, know that I love you. Thank you.

And that, my friends, is the end of that. C'est la vie!

PS After reading through this, I realized that I didn't mention my husband once. I just have to add that my husband is fully supportive and helps out when and where he can. He also encourages me to take breaks, go out with my friends, and do things for me. Also, he is a hard worker, commutes a long way to and from work, and is busy with things in his life too. Just wanted to let you know, my husband rocks :)


Tara said...

I just love you! You were inspired to write this post tonight. This is almost the exact conversation (complaining session) that I just had with my hubby. I think that raising children is one of the most wonderful but exhausting things that we will ever do. And although we are more than "the mom", we are in the season of our lives where our kids are our life. I think finding the balance is the hardest part. I think that you are so amazing and I am amazed at all that you do. I was thinking about you yesterday when I got sucked into doing some hair that I really didn't want to do. I don't know how you take care of your five kids, your home, and still do hair happily! I have grown to really not like it anymore and it makes me sad. Keep your head up woman because you always make me want to be better! Your posts are great at making me laugh and making me think. Your kids are very blessed and lucky to call you mom!!

Mrs.Spy said...

Hang in there girl, it's a season and one thing you can count on is that in time, it will change. At the risk of sounding like every old fart out there, when this season is gone, you'll look back it it as one of the best. taking care of the family 24/7, spending time with the little ones, even if it is in the car for much of it- they grow up and because you took such good care of them, they become independent and strong young adults- and it tears at your heart a little, but you take a deep breath and move through the next season, too. You are a fantastic mom and friend and I love you tons.

Armstrong said...

AMEN! And a ditto for me on word for word what you said. I think we all feel this way at some point and many other points in our life. You are a wonderful person, mother and wife. Hang in there and continue to allow others to serve you. It always comes back around and you will have your turn and you have in the past to serve others. Hang in there. Luv ya :)

Dave and Kristin Dirkmaat said...

First of all, STOP scaring me!!! JK Sometimes I freak when i think of all my kids doing activities, sports, church stuff, etc. No one can do it all! We all have our bad days! i had one today!hehehe my baby wouldnt eat all morning and my 3 year old makes me pull my hair out! 2 out of 4 kids being easy, not bad huh? I finally threw in the towel and gave my baby formula and she ate 4ozs in like 10 minutes! Then i pumped 6 ozs! Anyway, you are so amazing and no one has it all together! There are hard days for sure!

Amber Kei said...

CRAZY!!! Yep, that's what it looks like sometimes. Those are the days I just pray to get through. You rock! I look up to you so much and think you're an amazing mom. I know it gets crazy, but you always amaze me how you seem to keep it all together. But you don't have to...I appreciate when you share and are honest because it helps me take stock in what I'm feeling my days with. Anyhow, I love you. And you're awesome.