See this? This is a page in my daily planner. Yes, I am totally old school and still use the pen and paper way of keeping track of my day to day tasks, responsibilities and schedule. I cannot function without it. If I don't write it down, it is immedietly forgotten about (which is awkward when I'm at church or somewhere like that, and I didn't bring my planner, and someone makes an appointment with me, and then I forget to write it down when I get home, and then they come over on the day we agreed upon, and my house is a mess and I'm in my jammies and my kids are running around naked. Awkward!). Anyway, it has everything in it from my hair appts, my meetings, my kids activites, my husband's meetings, family member's birthdays, grocery lists, things I need to accomplish, and events that happened that day that I would like to remember (ie. when Magnus started walking, I wrote it on that day in my planner. I keep all of my planners and I probably have about 8 years worth. Someday I will transfer all of that info into my children's baby books that I have slacked on for the past 5+ years. Sheesh!)
Andy likes to tease me that I could just use my phone to keep my schedule, but this is the one thing I refuse to use my phone for. I like to have it all out in front of me and be able to see the week ahead. I go through it every Sunday and kind of mentally prepare myself for the week and get ready for the craziness that will ensue. As you can see, some days are very very very busy. Very. (say very like, 20 times in a row. It starts to sound very weird. Tee hee). The photo above was from a Saturday a few weeks ago. So much craziness. Luckily, not every Saturday is like that. Some Saturdays are empty. Those rare days are my favorite.
Lately though, my life has mostly been filled with days like that Saturday. I have felt stretched very thin lately (wouldn't it be nice if that were literal?!). I have felt overwhelmed, but I'm not precisely sure.... why? I feel like I'm keeping up with life, but just barely. I feel like one of these days, I'm going to drop everything and not be able to keep up anymore.
I don't really know why I have been feeling this way. Nothing has changed, my life has been the same. I just feel like I am pulled in so many directions and I feel the stress of not measuring up the way I think I should. I feel like I am not giving my best self to everyone and everything and I am unsatisfied with my performance in many aspects of my life. I know I am too hard on myself, and if I don't do something perfectly, I beat myself up over it for days. How does everyone do it all?
That's a silly question. Nobody does it all. People may appear to, but it's impossible to actually do it all. Someone may be able to keep it up for a short while, but eventually, something will fall. That's the problem I feel I've been facing lately. How do I make myself feel okay about not being able to do it all?
I used to. I really think I used to feel okay about not being able to do it all. I didn't beat myself up about it, I accepted what I could do, and that was enough. I'm not sure what has changed in my life. It may have started around the time I had Magnus. Five kids has kicked my bum. I think my kids getting older has something to do with it too. They all want to be involved and do extra-curricular activites, and I want to be a supportive mom, so I let them. And then my wants and needs fall by the way-side as I am consumed by my children's lives. I don't feel like this is neccessarily a bad thing, I just think I need to have a better balance. I am in the season of life where my children are my life. And I love that. I adore them. I think I just need a break sometimes, and I don't always take one. Which means, I'm tired. Like, really really tired.
I don't want this post to sound like I'm complaining. It's just talk. It feels good to let it all out, write it all down, and be able to look back later in life and think, "I made it through that bump in the road, and I (hopefully) am a better person because of it. And I learned a lot because of it too."
I love life. I try to embrace and accept things that come my way, even when it may be hard sometimes. A lot of friends have asked me recently if I'm okay or if they can help me in any way because I have seemed a little down. At first, I thought, "What am I doing wrong that people think I need help? Do I look sad? Do I seem overwhelmed? I don't want to seem that way! I need to be perfect!" And then I realized that was ridiculous and I actually accepted some help when it was offered. I realized it's okay. I am giving my fellow women a chance to serve and help, and in turn, I am having my burden's lightened. I appreciate it when people let me serve them, and I don't think any worse of them whatsoever when they need help. I really appreciate the ladies in my life who have noticed and helped out recently. If you read this, know that I love you. Thank you.
And that, my friends, is the end of that. C'est la vie!
PS After reading through this, I realized that I didn't mention my husband once. I just have to add that my husband is fully supportive and helps out when and where he can. He also encourages me to take breaks, go out with my friends, and do things for me. Also, he is a hard worker, commutes a long way to and from work, and is busy with things in his life too. Just wanted to let you know, my husband rocks :)