Well well well.... it's unusual for me to be at a loss for words, but here I am again. I have no words (well, that's not entirely true... as shown by my long, rambling, and a little bit crazy post which is below). Now, when I wrote about 2011 being a terrible year (was that really 4 months ago?!) and what I wished for 2012 was that it would just be better, I guess I somehow cursed myself. This year has already been trial-filled, tear-filled, and just plain hard. Apparently I need a lot more refining because Heavenly Father seems anxious to put me through the fire over and over again.
We have reached a point where it is no longer feasable for us to be living in Virginia. We are moving, back to our "home" in Utah. This is such a bitter sweet time for us. We are, of course, happy to be going back to the familiar, welcoming peaks of our Rocky Mountains (and family! Yay for family!), but at the same time, I am very much in denial that we are leaving our lovely Virginia that I have grown to love and cherish as if I were born and raised here.
I have had the hardest time writing this post. It's been sitting, saved in my files, and I've tried to work on it every day for the last week. Most of the time, I just can't do it, and after staring at it for 10 minutes, I log out of my account, defeated. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I am not anxious to leave, not one bit.
The first reason just might be my family away from my family. My friends here that I have grown to love as dear and true to my heart as my own flesh and blood. People who have been here for me when my own family was 2600 miles away. People who have served me, listened to me, been there for me, given themselves selflessly to me. Because I will be so far away, and have no immediate reason to return, I fear I may never see some of them again. It makes me so very sad.
The next reason may be my children. They are just so settled here. They love their lives, they are happy and very well adjusted. They are all doing incredibly well in school, each of them achieving straight A's and filling their heads with knowledge and learning from their amazing teachers, whom I will miss dearly. Also, I just found out that Jonah and possibly Daphne were accepted into the gifted program! I am definitely a proud mama. We have a fabulous neighborhood, bursting at the seams with sweaty faced, busy, smiling children. There is never a lonely soul, everyone has a friend to keep them company and ride a bike with. Laylah and Daphne have adored their girl scout leaders and will miss their fellow girl scout friends, and I really am not looking forward to finding a new piano teacher for Laylah and Jonah. Baron is disappointed that he will not get to attend "Daphne's preschool with the guinea pig" as we had previously planned. They each have a "BFF" that they will all miss oh-so-much.
Along these lines, I'm just disappointed that we didn't get to do everything we wanted to while we were here. I wanted to go up to New York for a weekend! Drive along the coast! Take my children camping with wild ponies on Assateague Island! Lounge at the beach over spring break! Nope.... we definitely did not check off everything on our list that I thought we would have all the time in the world for while we lived here.
I'm sad about my house. I really like my house here. I know, I know.... I've complained about it before (that darn laundry room in the basement! Who in the world would put the laundry room so far away from the bedrooms?! Not a smart person, that's for sure), but as I started packing today, it made me sad to see my walls become bare. And along with the house, I adore my neighborhood. I already mentioned my lovely neighbors and that it's filled with children, but I love our community pool and that every time we go there, it just makes my kids' day. I will be sad to not drive down our long, horseshoe shaped road and pull up to our tall white house with the black door and big brass knocker.
I think what it boils down to is that I just don't like change. I never have, and I'm pretty darn positive that I never will. I can't get over that my life just won't be the same, and when I feel forced into something, I kick and scream all the way. I always think about what I'll be missing out on, and how I am just not ready for what is to come. I know, it's really just my bad attitude, and I also know I need to work on it.... I'm trying, I promise :)
So, after we had to make a quick decision, and felt very sure that we were making the right one, I started dragging my feet, throwing my mini temper tantrums, and sulking around. I tried to think of any way possible that we had actually made the wrong decision, and tried to convince Andy of my way of thinking. Of course, I knew what we were doing was actually right, our prayers had confirmed that to us, but I still begged for it to not be so. Finally, I had a big break down, balled my eyes out for a good 20 minutes into my pillow (you know, the sobbing, soak the pillow, crying so hard that you gag, kind of cry? Yeah, that was it) and then I calmed myself down, said a prayer in my heart to accept what was to be, blew my nose, and got to work. And now it's here. We're leaving in a little over 2 weeks.
After reading through this post, I realize I am being very dramatic. Believe me, I do. But it's just so hard when it's not just me and my husband, but also 5 little people that I'm in charge of. I just want them to be happy. I just want our family to be happy. I know that is a conscience decision that one can make, and I am trying really hard to do just that, with my pessimistic attitude and all. I realize life is hard sometimes. But, I can do hard things. And I will continue to try and do just that.
More info on our new adventure later.... I really need to go to bed. Later.... alligators :)