Thoughts At Three AM

It is 3:52 AM on Monday morning. School starts in one week (except for Jonah). He starts school this Friday because he's going into 7th grade and in our district the 7th graders start the day before everyone else so they can get used to lockers, seven different teachers, and walking from class to their locker to class in 5 minutes. 

We are leaving today for one last summer hurrah before school starts. We are making a quick trip up to Bear Lake with Rachel and her kids, and Cristan and her kids. We are staying at Rachel's cabin. It really is just a short trip because we will be there half of today, all of tomorrow, and then we will go to Lagoon on Wednesday and come home late Wednesday night. 

After that, we will have one last real summer day and then Jonah starts school on Friday, the other kids start school on Monday (and so do I) and then it is back into another year of school, homework, books, tests, and the like. 

I am not ready. As I have said many times throughout this summer-- this has been the best summer ever. I don't want it to be over. While I want to finish school, I don't want to go back. While I am excited to learn and grow, I am not ready for feeling stressed and run ragged. 

Another reason I am up this early is because I simply cannot sleep. Magnus is having a scan today and it took me over an hour to fall asleep last night and now I have been awake since 3:07 AM and finally decided to get up, pack for our trip, and write out my feelings. I always get nervous before his scans in a way that is hard to explain. I don't ever really think his cancer will be back, but at the same time, deep in the very back of my mind I think, "but what if?"

What if it is back and he can't start kindergarten? What if he has to miss out on all of the fun things that his peers are doing and learning? What if it is back and I have to drop all of my school classes because I am helping my little boy fight cancer again? What if he has to have major surgery again? What if something goes wrong? What if we can't get rid of it? What if he dies from this some day? 

I make myself sick over the "what if's" and while I tell myself to knock it off, I just can't help it sometimes. This year is especially weird and feels like deja-vu because 2 years ago exactly we were headed to Bear Lake with Rachel and her kids and Magnus got sick up there for the 15th time that summer and 5 days later we found out he had a brain tumor. Our whole world was turned upside down and hasn't ever been the same since.

I love this little boy so much that it literally hurts. It hurts my heart to think of all he has been through and all he will go through. Even if the cancer never returns, I still have to talk to him about Scan Day every few months. I still have to be strong for him and talk to him about getting "poked" and that afterwards he will get to choose a prize. I have to tell him the truth when he asks, "will it hurt?" every single time. I have to remind him that he will go in the big machine to check his brain and make sure he is still healthy and strong. It's not fair. But as the saying goes, life really isn't fair, is it?

I just can't wait for this day to be over. Scan Day hits me harder than others sometimes, and I just never know when that will be.

 Hopefully at this time tomorrow we will all be sleeping soundly in a little cabin up in Bear Lake, ready to wake when the sun comes up, and ready for a full day of sand and sun and water and friends. I can't wait.