Sunday, February 2, 2014

A Post in Which I Word Vomit Everything That's On My Crazy Mind Out Through My Fingers And Onto The Computer Screen

You read my title, right? Okay then, consider yourself warned.

I've been thinking about writing this post for a about a week now. I haven't because I hate sounding like a big whiner, but that's not really what I'm trying to do. I'm also not trying to gain sympathy or the like because I'm just not that kind of person. I am, however, the kind of person that likes to get it off my chest or vent, for lack of a better term.

Anyway, I finally decided that I was just going to write it. Because I want to have record of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some people just want their blogs to be their happy place and not allow any negativity into that perfect place of theirs (and that is lovely). Not me. I like this to be my real place and I wouldn't feel genuine if I didn't hold true to that. 

So anyway... be prepared. Or click to another blog because this sucker is long. Either way, here I go.

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster for the past few months. An out-of-control, no-end-in-sight, highest of highs/lowest of lows, thrilling/terrifying, exciting/exhausting roller coaster. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? Because I know I'm not the only one out their.

All I do is go, go, go. I take my time in weeks, sometimes days. I look at my calender every Sunday and mentally prepare myself for the week ahead (sometimes a certain crazy day in particular) and give myself a little pep talk. "You can do this, " I say to myself silently. "You can do hard things. Everyone has hard things. Nobody has an easy carefree life. Life is hard. You aren't different than anyone out there. Get over yourself." (I have to tell myself that last part because sometimes I have little pity parties in my mind too.)

Here's just a quick rundown of my week in a nutshell.... 

Mondays Andy has class. It's my catch-up day for laundry, errands, cleaning, homework,  what-have-you. Once school gets out, forget it. Nothing else gets done except kids homework and running around to various activities (sewing, soccer, scouts, etc).

Tuesdays I work. After work I have school. I hardly see my kids this day. I hate it.

Wednesday is similar. I have work and then I pickup kids from school for piano. Andy goes to school until he gets home and I leave for Young Women's. Kids are in bed when I get home. I see them for a couple hours on Wednesdays. A little better than Tuesdays but still not great. 

Thursdays are the worst. Before this semester started they were my favorite. I had nothing on Thursdays. No work, no activities for kids (besides Laylah's dance), nothing. Now Andy has school in the mornings (I study after the gym), we say hi and bye as he gets home and I'm out the door for class, tutor, and a lab. After I get home he leaves again for another class. I get to see my kids for a minute before they have to get ready for bed. I make sure homework is done because all of their homework folders are due Friday at school. Sometimes we go to the library for Jammy Story Time. Sometimes we play a game. I always wish Andy was there with us.

Friday.... I don't have work until 1o'clock (which is probably going to change soon) so I am usually catching up in the mornings or I'm at the kids' school helping with something or another. Last Friday it was a field trip for Daphne's class. I like to try and stay involved and help support my kids' teachers. I want them to know me and be able to ask me for help should they need it. Then it's work and when I get home it's homework if I have any. Sometimes Andy and I go out ("Oh, hi Andy! You're my husband, right?? The one I never get to see. Oh yeah. Well, let's actually spend some time together since we like each other and like looking at each other and talking with each other and I'll find out how you're feeling about this whole crazy life we live. Yes, let's do that.") or if we have homework we get a movie for the kids and get takeout and try to reconnect for a minute before we are doing homework or studying or racing against a deadline (it's usually midnight for online classes :)

Saturdays are consumed by work, kid stuff (basketball at the moment, but that will change in a few months and then it will be soccer.) and preparing for Sunday. Last minute grocery shopping, baths, ironing Sunday clothes, sometimes Andy and I go out, stuff like that. Now that we have church at 1 o'clock, we can do a lot of that stuff Sunday mornings, so Saturdays are actually pretty great once I get off work. And so are Sundays. Of course there's preparing my lesson and teaching and meetings to go to, but I love that I can't do homework on Sunday (house rules!) and that I get to just relax and be with my family.

Add to a normal week Jonah's science fair project being due, Daphne's baptism (which was yesterday) to prepare for (and I had a ton of help even!), my first chemistry test on Friday (which I got a B on, so annoying especially when I felt like I aced it), Jonah's ski field trip (extra driving around picking up and dropping off ski equipment), 3 birthday parties that the kids were invited to (extra errands to run shopping for gifts), and you have yourself one crazy week. Some of the things I don't mention are that I also try to go to the gym at least 4-5 times/week. If I don't make it to the gym I'm usually running outside at 10 o'clock at night just to say I did something. Also not mentioned above are odds and ends that always come up such as doctor appointments (and physical therapy), sick kids, helping neighbors with their kids because they've helped me with mine, the constant driving, driving, driving.... forgetting this and that and everything in between.... and etc. etc etc. 

After my crazy week last week (in between Daphne's baptism services and driving to my parents house for the dinner we had invited everyone to) I almost had a nervous breakdown in the car. I felt sick to my stomach, I had a pounding headache, and I was hyperventilating. Andy's sitting there telling me to calm down, everything's fine, it's not a big deal.... but I couldn't help it. It was awful. And then everything goes fine and nothing is as big of a deal as I think it is, and I calm down and realize what a freak I am sometimes.

And another thing.... if you recall, Andy isn't working right now. He is on short-term disability until March or April when he can walk again without any sort of help (ie. crutches, a boot, etc.) I cannot even begin to imagine our life once he starts working again. He works graveyards, so he is going to be exhausted. We didn't really take that into consideration when we signed up for classes. He has a few 10 AM classes and that is not going to be fun for him.

And the last thing is my autoimmune disease. It has been relatively easy to deal with for the last year and a half or so. Once in awhile I have some random pain and I'm always stiff in the morning but that goes away after a bit of walking around. Sometimes I wonder if there's really anything wrong with me at all. I read old posts where I used to complain about how much I hurt and how intense the pain was and I think I must have been exaggerating because I don't really remember it being that bad. And then.... I have a flare-up like I've been experiencing the past week. They always come at the worst possible times because duh, of course they are associated with stress. I have been waking up the past few mornings with the most excruciating pain I have ever remembered feeling. I can hardly breathe because it hurts so bad. I can't move. I can't lie down because it hurts too much, but I can't stand up because that hurts too much. Every time I move it feels like sharp pokers are sliding through my skin and into my bones where they just sit and burn and ache and throb. I have to brace myself to roll out of bed. I breathe so shallowly to avoid the burning in my ribs until I feel like I'm going to pass out for lack of oxygen. I feel like I am being so dramatic as I write this and yet and I don't even feel like I am able to  touch on the severity of what it feels like. It's terrible, truly.

Ahhh, but see? Now I just read through this here crazy-town post of mine and realized I sound like a big, huge, ungrateful complainer. But I'm not! I promise. I am grateful for so many things. Sometimes I just want to write it all down to get it out of my head and one day look back and read through it and say, "See?! I did that! I had all of this crazy crap to go through and I came out on top!" Because as hard as it feels and as long as the days are sometimes, I know I will come out on top. 

Someday.

3 comments:

Laney said...

You are not a whiner. There is a difference between venting as a release and complaining. You've got a ton on your plate. I don't know how you do it, but it will eventually end. And all that you're working towards will be worth it.

Amber Kei said...

I'm glad you share what you're going through. You are amazing. :)

Sarah said...

Ahhh, thank you Elena and Amber! my two faithful blog readers, haha! Love you two so much!